This post is going to be more mature in content surrounding relationships and finances. I noticed a combination of what it takes to be financially confident and caring enough to share your financials with someone and felt strong enough to share my experience.
I felt lost in my path at times so being able to rise up from my ashes and prevail by feeling lighter in sharing my experience in that battle is cathartic. In my last relationship, I was hesitant in being in a mutually financial and beneficial relationship. Most of my relationships are affectionate led and giving in small acts. So to move out of the boyfriend-girlfriend treats and towards sharing car payments, cell phone bills, etc., was a new normal and I was ready to let someone in more.
I had to let go of my own ideal of how a man should provide financially and take care of their partner emotionally with finances and how I was to equally reciprocate. So I decided to be the first one to offer my wallet access when appropriate.
I have to stress how insecure I felt doing so even though it was a growth, vulnerable, and commitment binding choice because I was raised with the concept that the man should feel comfortable in showing that ability first and the woman shares her sign of distress when she wants something in declarations of love.
The goal was to to enter the relationship in a breathable space where comfortable spending and relationship activities lived together. Its sad to report but for me it never happened and I found myself in a one-sided conditional love corner. I buried an old version of myself when I entered and exited that relationship.
As I processed what I went through I started to feel these warm hands holding me and caressing my heart because I experienced an area of vulnerability in a relationship that many would rather bury down in due to shame or adolescent receptors of coping with the tragedy.
Parents don’t really express to their kids the self consciousness of being in a financial relationship with someone other than themselves and their responsibilities. Everyone has their own opinion about the topic and I’m just here to share my thoughts. I’m in honest awe of myself because I went up against a lot of my fears and uncertainties in that chapter of my life and I can’t believe I will still want to cohabitate with someone in my life LOL
In all seriousness, I cant believe the amount of people that struggle with this feeling but I too was one of these people. I’m still in awe at my growth and start thinking maybe I’m giving myself too much credit but the truth is, I should own this moment. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t want to feel comfortable financially in a relationship and be able to realistically believe that their partner will take care of the head on issues both will face in life or that they will be able to handle the hard parts with you.
I just feel fortunate to have leaned on Christ too. I had my judgements while going through the hurdles but I just kept talking to Christ in my reasons for doing those things for my partner and that type of honesty is what honestly made me see I was becoming a different person.
I had realized I had become aligned with that strong, valiant, and brave person that I wanted to exemplify and my financial and emotional side were finally able to sit across the room with one another and both smile. I hope we all can carry on in our personal battles and can find the courage to let it out sometimes for clarity because we are not perfect but are loved by a perfect God.