How are you doing? Still pushing through this social distancing? I know I am. I just did a month in review and I have been busy making checkpoints with myself. Groceries list in check, house picked up, making sure the bi-weekly spending budget is in rear view etc. You get the point, I do this all because I value my down time. My down time allows me to create new content, radiate spiritual vibes with God, reinforce my relationship with my family and gives me the ability to appreciate my home and allow myself to be surrounded by close friends.
As I was in my routine of making my meals in the kitchen for the start of the week, I had Youtube playing in the background. I just discovered this Youtuber a month or so ago and I love her eclectic and vibrant style. Her channel is @IAMKERENO and she’s just welcomed a beautiful baby girl Dove. (In LOVE with the name they gave too! ❤ ❤ )
This vlog I was listening to was on a different topic than what she usually does for her catch-up-with-me videos. As she’s doing a get ready with me, she introduces a new beauty product, the Reboot Foundation with Makeup Forever and sets the table for her Girl Talk. This time she talks about toxic friends. If you want to watch this full video, here it is below!
As I was listening I couldn’t help but feel that the things she was talking about was prevalent to what I had internally gone through and what some people would be going through when they have to sift through their friends list. First she defines what a toxic friend is by saying it is a friendship that you get exhausted with because your morals and boundaries have been crossed.
We all have our preferred RSVP group of friends that you would invite first to things and these friends would automatically respond to your invites as well. Some friends are better than others, some you have met through mutual social groups and others have been with you since high school. Yet no one likes having to confront their toxic friend when the water runs dry.
Each friendship I’ve had I’ve always wanted to appreciate and learn from. So I’m always excited to meet up with friends and be able to catch up with them whenever possible. But recently, I have been really protective of my boundaries with people. Maybe it is because I had to wake up early in life with my career and how that persona that I hold on to in my career ultimately attracts my life mate in the home.
So my friends have always been one that I really invest my emotions and time to. So you can imagine when I had felt something was off with me and my closest friend. We had met in high school (10 years ago) and she and I had gone through a lot together. But over the past two years, I could feel this bridge between us. We had managed a long-distant relationship throughout college and when she had to move back into town, I thought it was just the distance that was causing static reactions as we were re-introducing ourselves in the friendship again.
But two months went by and I felt like I was in a room with a stranger at times. I could sense that her compliments felt like backhanded compliments when I would bring up my life hurdles and she couldn’t wait to move the conversation back to her issues over a glass of wine.
Because our old routine of hanging out at her house felt so familiar, I just associated it with our old ‘high-school selves’ and that I was doing the friendship a favor even when I felt negative and repressed in my own life choices when I would leave her place. Keren points out a strong point in her video by exposing symptoms and signs of what a toxic friendship is and she explains it by saying if you feel guarded inside or a bad vibe while hanging out with them, that’s a toxic friend.
In my case, I hadn’t realized how superficial our friendship had gotten and how out of depth we were with our own personal life choices. The person you were in high school is not the same person you are today. You as an individual can appreciate the highlights of who you were then but have the right to say, ‘I’m no longer that person and I don’t condone those old behaviors you still hold on to.’
The last straw for me was when I had went to spend time with her and her toddler daughter at a park. As soon as we had gotten there, she had went right into what was bothering her and the issues she was having with this new guy she had decided to live with. I had asked myself how I had gotten in this same position in the friendship. Maybe it was because I was so used to playing the good friend so much that I thought that she would at least hear my opinions as something with virtue.
But she just wanted me to listen to her problems and use me as a sounding board. I had expressed my concerns of her living with this guy so early on and why she couldn’t have stayed at her parents house when a young child is being put in the middle of an unfamiliar environment.
She looked at me with vacant eyes and persisted in saying how I didn’t understand what she was going though and this shit got me in a mood and the song Buy A Heart by Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill is what brought me to my senses again.
In that moment, I had seen our 10-years of friendship come to an end. I had come to the conclusion that she was a toxic friend and I, out of my own good nature, wanted to stick around because I wanted to see her out of this rut and be their for that little girl. But it was too late and I don’t regret my decision to disconnect from her and her family.
Friendships take work and if both parties are not invested in it, it will form a crutch for both and ultimately, one person will feel the weight while the other is freeloading on the friendship. Its okay to feel sad and in anguish over the lost friendship but you shouldn’t let yourself stay in relationships that make you questions that persons intellect when it comes to the wellbeing of themselves and anyone in close contact with them and their choices.
If there’s anything that 2020 has taught me, is that you shouldn’t waste time on things that no longer serve you peace and give you abilities of growth. Our friends are precious and so is our time, so choose well and follow through.